His Hands that Held You

 On April 27, 2002, our 19 year old daughter Jessica
was killed in an automobile accident.

The following story, His Hands that Held You, is a true account of a vision that I experienced shortly after her passing.  I am sharing this experience because I believe that we are living in a time of tragedy, none that America has experienced in quite a long time,  maybe never before.  We are shaken as we have experienced  this great country to not be the solid fortress we once thought. Sadly, we have lost our hope, our guide and now desperately long for something or someone to hold onto, to put our trust in.

The situations in this country and in the world will not get better.  The hatred and violence, the crimes against humanity will continue to grow in great proportions.  Because we are human and are given to doubt the things that we cannot understand or fully explain, some may find this story hard to accept in its truthfulness.  This incredible experience of peace and hope for the future was a true gift from God.  I am sharing this gift to encourage you that there is a God who loves you despite all the bad press. A God of comfort, of unexplainable peace and life everlasting; probably just the opposite of what you expected, learned or heard  Put all the negative stuff away for a few moments and listen to my story.  Come and meet the God of love!

This is dedicated not only to the precious memory of Jessica, but to the Lord Jesus Christ who keeps us and holds all things together, those things seen and unseen.  Things that are within our understanding and things that are not.

 

 “His Hands that Held You”

In Memory of Jessica Nicole Brown

Jesika,

One night during April 1997  you made the decision to follow Christ and it changed our lives and our eternities.  Your last night here on earth in April 2002 again changed our lives and the lives and eternities of many others, such that we will not fully know until the appointed time.  Even though your missions ministry here on earth was short- as we count days down here- it is eternal in the presence of God.  And just like you, your ministry was different from most, yet perfect in the eyes of God.  Just a few days after your death here, the Lord spoke to me. “Teach what you have been taught, for I come quickly.”

I am angry.  I am on the beach in Laguna lost, crying, asking God why this happened, why you had to die.  I want to know if you are with Him in paradise why I am stuck down here in such terror. I  spent so much time holding you up in prayer, together with you, only a month before….and in those secret moments God waking me in the middle of the night, crying for your safety,  begging for your life because I could not dare to face even the thought of losing you.  Yet, there was a slight nagging in my soul telling me I just might.

How I loved you.  How I longed to take my faith, my wisdom and give it to you, carve it out of my very spirit.  In overcoming horrors of my own life, I thought I could walk you right through yours.  I know I was the cause of some of those horrors – the insecurity, the lack of self confidence, the emptiness, searching, reaching for anything, anyone to make you feel good about who you are.  Never stopping to count what it would cost or where it might lead you later on. I knew this all too well as I once owned these things.

In watching you over the years, I amazingly saw things in your personality and character that I adored, characteristics that were much different than my own.  It was the very essence of you, the girl-i-ness, your sense of humor, and the outright determination to be different from anyone, the courage just to be Jessica – – Jesika.  I am glad that I took the time to tell you this before

Our private jokes that were funny lines and gestures taken from movies that we would  throw in to our conversations just for the simple giggles.  Watching you in youth group, becoming a mentor, your deep concern for others’ feelings.  Often expressing concern for others in our family to know Jesus Christ. The desires to serve God in missions – watching you practice mime…our favorite song….”is your name in the Book…” (I’ve forgotten the movements again)….endlessly begging you to sing with me –you knew you had the voice!  Watching you jokingly argue with Amanda, laughing as you both fell to the floor turning it into a wrestling match, calling me to help you.  Dad taking you out to buy your first car, teaching you bass guitar, making sure you had what you needed, always. Watching you with him, hugging, talking, sometimes crying, but often laughing.

Truly there is an endless list and it brings me great joy to know that although our time together on earth is finished, we have an eternity with the Lord Jesus Christ to giggle and paint nails and best of all to dance on His altar at His feet.  We can be together without the pain, without the tears!  You are our porcelain doll and we have hated every moment without you.Dad and I are on the Laguna Beach, just days after your funeral.  I am hysterical with grief, pounding the sand in my anger and frustration, questioning how something so unspeakable could have happened to us.  There is no comfort or peace as the detective’s words replay over and over…”Jessica was in an automobile accident and she didn’t make it”.  Remembering how I ran into your room, begging God…..this could not be so, falling to the floor in total unbelief, and knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do to change it.  And in a moment, remembering every prayer, every tear and the knowledge that your passing was not a surprise – I knew.  Of all the things we fixed for you as parents, this would not be one of them.  Sometimes in my sleep I think I  hear you screaming as your car flips coming apart, tossing your precious body out into the desert.  I cannot bear the thought of my baby out in the cold wind, dying alone in the dirt. 

Later in the unfamiliar hotel room that is too dark, too enclosed  I can’t decide if  I should  start screaming or just choke myself.   I hear the waves crashing on the Laguna shore, so familiar, like a lullaby rocking me to sleep on so many other nights and even some sunny afternoons during happier days.  On this night there is no lullaby.  The sounds of the ocean bring more pain, more emptiness. Nothing will ever be the same, feel the same, taste the same because you are not here.  I swear to cry for you every day of my life. I swear to hate the rest of my life. 

In the darkness of the room somewhere between sleeping and dreaming I  see my own face before me.  I wonder why I would be looking at myself.  There, in the darkness begin swirls of light and color – all colors, especially pastels of blues, lavenders and pinks.  The light gently touches the top of my head, and is gone., but leaves a sense of comfort.  I am intrigued  as again I see the light touching my face, giving a deeper sense of peace. The touch moves away just as another  comes, establishing a brilliant pattern of bright light and  color.  This sense of touch, sense of peace never leaves me.

The pastels are radiant swirling in and around each other like mists  blown by a gentle  breeze.   They increase in brilliance and swim together as part of the pure white light.  I know there is a Presence of Holiness in the colors and  begin to see  small hands there.  Then I recognize that the hands are the lights and colors.  In a glimpse, I see feathers of white light, touching, caressing one side of my face.  Each touch  brings its own measure of peace  flowing downward, filling me, transcending inward where I am broken, lifting the horror, the grief.  A healing? 

Then I see two hands, one on each side of my face.  The hands are large and strong, much more brilliant than the smaller ones. I am so calm that nothing seems to matter now.  I feel as though I am floating, the weight of this burden gone and I would be content to float here forever.  Then my  face begins to fade and I see your face, my Jessica, my daughter.  It is your face that is being held between these two brilliant hands. Your face  was between the hands of the Most High God as He held you during your last few moments here on earth.  In His mercy and kindness the Creator  of all Life took the time to assure me that you were not left to die alone in the cold desert field.

Psalm 71:20-22

You who have shown me great and severe troubles shall revive me again,

And bring me up from the depths of the earth. 

 

You shall increase my greatness 

And comfort me on every side.

 

Also with the lute I will praise you

And Your faithfulness,

 

O my God!

To You I will sing with the harp,           

O Holy One of Israel

 

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24 thoughts on “His Hands that Held You

  1. Oh my gosh, that was beautiful. Out of such grief and pain came such beauty. Your transparency was able to convey hope to me, mkayla. God knows I needed that.. I am sitting here in tears. Thank you. I am so very sorry you lost your daughter. So very sorry. You will see her again!

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  2. Pingback: His Hands that Held You « Redeemedhippiesplace’s Weblog

  3. Hi M’Kayla,

    Sister, sorry to learn about the loss of your daughter.

    I lost my mom a couple of years ago, and i was really close to her.

    Going thru the grieving process i realized that we’re not meant to accept the death of our loved ones in this life, we can never come to terms with it in this life, some say, ‘You will come to terms with it, you will get over it with time’ , but you don’t, it remains ‘the last enemy’ until Jesus comes and then it is put away forever.

    Bcos of Jesus we are not crushed by the pain of this life, distressed but not crushed, bcos of Him we get up and keep going glorifying Him who overcame this world.

    http://ianvincent.wordpress.com/

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    • Thanks Ian. I appreciate your comments. When someone that close us dies, the reminder is constantly there in so many ways, birthdays, holidays, in the big moments and the little ones, in the how’s and what’s they contributed to the family and others they loved. The loss is truely enormous. I was rebuked once for continuing my “grief” (even tho I wasn’t in actual grief) and was told biblical grief is only for 7 or 30 days and was given scriptures to support it. I just wonder if that person had been in my situation would have had the same mindset. God knows our pain and our loss and the extent of it and all they ways it will impact us for the rest of our lives. Distressed but not crushed – yes! And the Lord is our rock our refuge our place of hope!

      Thanks for sharing!

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  4. Amen, sister.

    1 Cor. 15:25 For He must reign, till he hath put all enemies under his feet.

    26 The last enemy that shall be destroyed is death.

    55 O death, where is thy sting? O grave, where is thy victory?

    Jesus has taken the ‘sting’ out. We can bear the pain, as real as it is. And the knowledge that we are going to be reunited in glory and be together for ever comforts us when we miss them so much.

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  5. When things all go well,,,, for too long,,, God can almost seem as an imaginary friend. But when grief and misery comes, we find He is our only hope and more real than anything. May God continue to comfort you. Thanks for sharing! damon

    PS. a PINGBACK usually means that someone liked your article enough to steel it. LOL

    Usually when someone post your article, or a link to your article on their blog or site,,, WordPress will send a PINGBACK to let you know.

    BUT I don’t know why the pingback above happened.

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  6. Silly me,,, I am used to seeing the pingbacks in just the dashboard. I don’t ever approve them to be seen in the comment section. So I wondered why when I clicked on the link it never went anywhere.

    But then I just clicked the link in redeemedhippies name,,, and guess what,,, I WAS RIGHT.

    YOU HAVE BEEN RE-BLOGGED 🙂 🙂 🙂

    Hippie really liked your post and gave it a great recommendation.

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    • That’s really funny. I think we’re all learning this stuff. I know I am. Yes, I saw RH’s comments. We had been trying to figure it out too.

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  7. Pingback: In Memory of Jessica « m'kayla's korner

  8. Pingback: the anchor | m'kayla's korner

  9. A pearl for you, dear M’Kayla,

    “The righteous perish, and no one ponders it in his heart;
    devout men are taken away,
    and no one understands
    that the righteous are taken away
    to be spared from evil.
    Those who walk uprightly
    enter into peace;
    they find rest as they lie in death.” (Isa 57:1-2)

    These words have brought me great comfort in difficult times. Imagine a God who loves us so much, that He might just take us off this earth to keep us from some evil we didn’t see coming.

    Who knows the mind of God? It is beyond searching. But, your trust in Him brings Him great glory!

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  10. ….and a purpose.

    One of my WO(l)F pastors had a dear friend who lost her young daughter to an illness. During one of our prayer meetings, the pastor shared this with us so we could pray for the family. Then she told us how she had taken her friend aside (at her daughter’s wake, mind you) to explain to her that it was NOT the will of Jesus that her daughter died.

    I could never quite get past that one. What was the real message? Had this poor woman just had enough faith, God’s power could have been unleashed upon her daughter’s death bed and saved her? Did said pastor really believe that her friend hadn’t cried out to God (they were believers) and asked Him to spare her daughter? Does the pastor think God didn’t hear the prayer? Couldn’t answer it? What?!? Doesn’t the Bible tell us to mourn with those who mourn? How utterly horrible and cruel…

    I put my faith in a God who knows infinitely more than I do, who works everything for my good (even when it doesn’t feel like that’s what He’s doing), and who loves me more than my brain can fathom. The Bible tells me that He knows even the number of hairs on my head. He knows every breath, every heartbeat, every tear. I don’t know all the reasons things happen, but I do trust that He has it in His Hands.

    If you ever start to wonder why you are putting all the time into this blog, M’Kayla, please remember this woman who was treated so cruelly at the hands of one who claimed to be a shepherd of the flock. Thank you for your honesty, your courage, and your determination.

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    • I can relate to this kind of treatment as I was told similar things, even the blame for my daughter’s death – due to fear! This came later, after I got involved in WOF thru the healing rooms. There are many damaging teachings going on in these circles that do harm to God’s people who are sick and grieving and once accepted they separate us from the Lord.

      Thank you for sharing all that you have, the scriptures and encouragement. They are so needed to many here and I hope others will find comfort in them.

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  11. After reading all, this song by Keith Green came in my mind:

    My son, My son, why are you striving,
    You can’t add one thing to what’s been done for you,
    I did it all while I was dying,
    Rest in your faith, my peace will come to you.

    For when I hear the praises start, I want to rain upon you,
    Blessings that will fill your heart, I see no stain upon you,
    Because you are My child and know me, to Me you’re only holy,
    Nothing that you’ve done remains, only what you do for Me.

    My child, My child, why are you weeping,
    You will not have to wait forever,
    That day and that hour is in My keeping,
    The day I’ll bring you into Heaven.

    For when I hear the praises start, my child, I want to rain upon you,
    Blessing that will fill your heart, I see no stain upon you,
    Because you are My child and you know me, to me you’re only holy,
    Nothing that you’ve done remains, only what you do in Me.

    My precious bride, the day is nearing,
    When I’ll take you in My arms and hold you,
    I know there are so many things that you’ve been hearing,
    But you just hold on to what I have told you.

    For when I hear the praises start, my bride, I want to rain upon you,
    Blessings that will fill your heart, I see no stain upon you,
    Because you are My child, and you know Me, to me you’re only holy,
    Nothing that you’ve done will remain, only what you do for me.
    —————–
    How I wish we had more “Keith Green’s” today……such an inspiration and excellent Christian example!
    Be blessed dear M’Kayla

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    • Wow…..I had not read this before…your story…..I am grieving with you my friend! Grieving and praising God for His peace, His healing for you. I too have walked through the valley, the very shadow of death, sucking for air, seeking something that made it all make sense… His comfort towards me has come in pieces…small pieces, still putting those pieces together… Love you for who you are and whom He is fashioning you to be!! Trish

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  12. I am very sorry for your loss. I’m glad you told us so we know you better. I would say more but I don’t know what else to say. So many of us have this loss and have broken hearts. I love you, Angela

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  13. Because I have had a similar loss in my life, I have always sensed that you had some experience in your life like mine. I can’t really put my finger on why I thought this only to say that it might be the tone of compassion in your writing Only someone who has experienced great loss can understand what others feel.

    My sister, Julie, died in an automobile accident in July of 1981. So much of what you have written here reminds me of my relationship with Julie. I wrote a song about her years ago, but it has only been in the last few months that I could really sing it to anyone. I knew the tune but hadn’t even put chords to the words.

    I had the opportunity to share my song with a group of 8th graders one day. One student, someone who could probably relate, held back the tears and said, “That was beautiful, Mr Reimers, as he left the classroom.

    I know you took great care in writing this. It is a beautiful witness and tribute to a wonderful person.

    “I am sharing this experience because I believe that we are living in a time of tragedy, none that America has experienced in quite a long time, maybe never before. We are shaken as we have experienced this great country to not be the solid fortress we once thought. Sadly, we have lost our hope, our guide and now desperately long for something or someone to hold onto, to put our trust in.”

    You have well stated a theme of my blog: “How can God bless a nation that has turned its back on Him?”

    Thankfully, no matter what is coming our way, you will be with Jessica once again some day and you will never have to experience her loss again.

    Thank you for sharing your heart with us, M’Kayla.

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      • Well, it’s not recorded anywhere but here is the next best thing…the words:

        Julie

        Julie, I see your face in the window of my world
        As I look out of it on creation I find glimpses of you still here
        The Sun is shining bright bringing warmth to those in need
        I can’t help but see your smile sharing sunshine with someone down
        *
        Julie, I see your face in the pictures you left behind
        Through the years you grew to be a sister I loved like a Jewel
        Your cheering days are gone before they had a chance to start
        I can’t help but think of your spirit and wonder why it had to end so soon
        *
        Julie, I see your place in God’s heaven in the clouds
        And if I had to choose where you were now
        I’d have to choose heaven over earth
        Yes, we were so good on the piano when we played
        I’ll just have to thank Him for the time we had and look forward to when
        I’ll see you again.

        *You were so young, you were so young

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