…just like—that…

Well, maybe I have put this off long enough in wondering if I want to write about my emotions, the shock that is still with me (us) in losing Steven, and all the old buried emotions and memories of losing Jessica. Two deaths of two children 10 years apart in age, nearly 8 years apart in death. Steven and Jessica loved each other, not early on, but in the later years, the time just before her death. And how he cried for her, even lately, even he could not understand why she died and he lived.  Two children-one son, one daughter died very similar deaths, similar injuries, similar reasons with very similar birthdays, his February 9th and hers February 10th. And for all the facts I can put together there still is no reasoning why these two had to die. Stupid choices made by another in the heat of the moment, one is in jail, one is not. Head injuries – irreparable damage resulting in quick deaths. Only One could keep them alive, yet in His good reasoning chose not to.  I found a picture of them talking face to face at my grandmother’s funeral taken only a couple of weeks before Jessica died.  As I looked, the picture told me they had been conniving, together forming a plan to leave us then. We, as a family agreed it was so, it had to be that way.  It brought us peace to agree.

I put my mother on the plane this morning and wondered if I would see her again. We never know when will be our last conversation, our last hug, or even our last argument. Those we love are taken from us so quickly and without warning, more times than we think about. Yesterday I read the  news of a hiker who had fallen into the mouth of Mount St. Helens while posing for a photograph. The land beneath him gave away and he fell 1500 feet to his death. No warning. Not for him or for those who loved him. Just gone like— that, just that quickly.

And so it was for our son and our daughter. I was Steven’s step mother. I am not saying that to separate myself, but to give place to the respect of his mother as I believe that position is very important. Maybe more so in death than in life, but for reasons I cannot explain to you.  I heard his mother cry out in her grief in the loss of knowing she will never see her baby again and that is all she wanted, would give anything, go anywhere, do anything just for the chance to make this thing wrong death thing right, to again bring life back to her child. And that grief was mine – for a moment it made she and I one. And in his death, having already known first hand the loss of the death of a child that maybe only a mother can experience and the willingness to do anything, go anywhere to make this death thing right, but being granted only a black and stony silence in the response. It is dark, it is nothing short of hell as we know it this side of life. And there are no rose colored glasses to help paint a nicer picture. All that these two precious people were to us, their family and their friends, all that they could have become is forever lost. There will be no children borne through them to carry on their names, their smiles, their deep blue eyes or their laughter or hugs. All of it gone just like—that.

And so, as “deep cries out to deep” I can only trust in the love and peace my Father, our Father has to offer me (us) in the hope of a better day. A day when the pain will not be so intense, a day when my thoughts come back to me, a day when the memories of those loved and lost will no longer rip a hole in my spirit, but instead offer a giggle in my heart for their love, the laughter that we shared, and the peace that will come in the knowledge that they were only mine (ours) for a time.  I long for the day I see them again and there will be no more tears, no more loss, no more confusion or pain. But in that day, a brighter smile through clearer eyes. For what we see now in part we will know then face to face.

Thank you for all of your wonderful prayers and words of encouragement. They have meant more to us than words can express. We can feel them like a presence, like a warm comforter wrapped around an otherwise crazed world.  I cannot kick against this. For whatever reason, the Lord has allowed these deaths. It may sound very simple, maybe too simple, but I must say this here as I have said it aloud  – the Father knew they were going to die and He allowed it. So, the One who sees the beginning of all things to the very end, the One who knows all of the ins and outs and in-betweens has found reason for these two deaths to take place in our world, He has again allowed our lives to shatter.  So, I resign myself to His love and His ways as I again remind myself that His ways are not my own, but much higher and with greater purpose. As much as I can in this moment of life, I resolve in my spirit to live by His.

In loving memory of our precious children

Steven Gordon Kelly II and Jessica Nicole Brown

19 thoughts on “…just like—that…

  1. sis you are my hero I know all that you have walked though with the Lord the evadence is in how you can take lifes scorges and still turn to His love and trust in His will we love you guys JESUS REIGNS!!!


    • My dear brother, the only hero is Jesus. I am nothing but a rotten sinner. If you see Him in me, in this writing, then Praise Him for then we see that He does keep His promises! 🙂

      I do love you all dearly! Thanks for taking the time to comment. I love it. 🙂


  2. Oh sweet sister, how you can even express yourself right now is an act of God. Surely His grace is resting upon you. Your losses are tremendous. Yet, the God who sees all and knows all, as you have expressed is so much more tremendous in his love and grace to us. May God continue to raise you up and be the lifter of your head. Hugs to you, my friend!


  3. M’Kayla,

    I too am at a loss for words. Beyond weeping as I cannot begin to imagine the depth to which you had to go to hang onto your peace. Your expression of what you have walked in the death of these two children speaks volumes to the truth you are fighting to expose. Your stand for who He is and what He is in our lives shines through your writing of the death of these two precious children. May God bless you richly as you go forward and I pray that you will find quickly that place of remembrance that is a giggle and not pain.


  4. How can anyone ever know the depth of grief and pain of loss unless they lose a child! It’s the greatest “fear” from the time we look into the face of our newborn babies…..our cry to the Lord “please don’t ever let anything happen to my baby!” As they get older, we have to learn to release them to the only One that loves them more than we do (and there are times we don’t think anyone can love them more). Many of us will never have to walk in the deepest darkest place you and Steve are having to walk (and we will thank God that we haven’t), but we have learned from you and others like you, that only with Yahweh’s love and strength and hope and promises can we face the darkest hours of life! You have allowed His Light to shine through your words and testimony. You have been willing to share the pain along with the hope. You have not blamed God, but acknowledged He knew and allowed…..and because you KNOW Him as He longs for us to know Him…..you have reminded us that His ways are not our ways and His thoughts are higher than our thoughts!

    Thank you for sharing and thank you for reminding us that even though we may never have to face losing a child, we most likely will have to face some difficult things – terminal illness, loss of a loved one…..and unless we have a personal relationship with the God of the Bible, unless we KNOW His ways, His heart, His strength, His love, His promises….unless our “faith is having confidence in what we hope for and evidence of things not seen”….we will not be able to stand!!

    Continue to wrap yourself in the garment of praise to replace the spirit of heaviness!!! Ahhhh….sweet worship!!

    I (we) love you my friends, M’Kayla and Steve andwill continue to pray for you, Debbi and Art


  5. M’Kayla,

    I hope you don’t mind me sharing a couple of scriptures. They are worth more than a thousand words I might say to you, although I will say this: May the God of all comfort continue to comfort your hearts in this time of unspeakable sorrow, such as only He can do.

    2 Cor. 1:3-7
    1 Thess 4:13-18



    • Hi thanks. I know 2 Corinthians quite well and it is nice to be reminded of the words and to hear them again. I keep thinking – blow the trumpet. hehe. But God in His great wisdom has his own timing!

      Nice to see and hear from you again KB!


  6. I didn’t know you’d already lost a daughter – I am so sorry. Reading this caused me to get just a little choked up..and I don’t usually/ever cry.

    Debbie and Art are right. It is absolutely the greatest ‘fear’ a parent has from birth on – “Lord, please don’t let anything happen to this baby!”

    On your “down” days, do as I do: start thanking Him. It’s not easy but we do – give thanks in all things. You are very loved, sister – hang in there.


  7. Tears are rolling down my cheeks. I’ll just sit by here, my dear friend, and I am holding your virtual hand. And continuing to pray.

    I wrote, “Lament for a Lost Child”, now on my blog, at the same time I wrote that other word to you–if you can bear to read it, there might be some comfort for you there. I worked out some forgiveness issues there, both for my own mother, and the sins against her, and my own children. I wept buckets. It came out practically in one piece. I don’t know if it would be picking at a scab or not though, you judge. I know for sure there is an awesome rendition of “Oh the Deep, Deep Love of Jesus”, sung very simple and sweet, posted there in a link under comments.

    Thank you, Lord that you are near to the broken-hearted. Thank you, Lord for how M’Kayla glorifies you so in her suffering! Continue to bless her with the peace that passes all understanding, as she continually turns her face to You.

    xoxoxo Karen


    • Karen, my dear, thank you. I have read it a couple of times and realize it could have been written about my own prodigal daughter.
      Peace to you.


  8. M’Kayla, we really don’t know why God takes away what he does from us. All we can do is trust in him. I believe the only thing that gets us threw is knowing him personally. And one day we will all be united together with our love ones and never more be parted. I feel sorry for the one’s that do not know him what hope do they have? Our partings are sad enough but, theirs are even more so. So many of your writers have said so many nice things a have spoken the truth and to think they are all a part of the family of God is very heart felt. My prayer for you is that God gives you strength to go on and I beleive he will as he need you to carry on the work you are doing here which is awakening to some of us to what is going on out there. God Bless you.


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