The Proverbs 31 Wife (Complementarian Edition)

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Matthew Shallenberger

I recently read through the book of Proverbs. When I got to Proverbs 31, the well-known chapter about the virtuous wife, I couldn’t help but notice that some of the things the virtuous wife does seem contradictory to the complementarian model of marriage.In complementarianism, men and women have distinct roles in both home and society.

Men take the leadership role as the authoritative head of the home; women take the supporting, submissive role, and are not to usurp the authority of men. In decision-making, women might give input, but men have the final word. If there is disagreement about how to move forward, men have the tiebreaking vote.I imagined how this chapter might read if it was modified with complementarian ideals. For example: “She considers a field and buys it” (but not before consulting her husband); “out of her earnings she plants a vineyard” (only after her husband has given his approval).Or:“She speaks with wisdom, and faithful instruction is on her tongue” (but she only instructs other women and children; it would be wrong for her to teach a man).And of course:“She watches over the affairs of her household…” (but her husband always has the final say in any decisions).Then lastly:“Honor her for all that her hands have done, and let her works bring her praise at the city gate” (but make sure to acknowledge her husband is the head of their home and is ultimately responsible for everyone in the family).

The truth is that the Proverbs 31 wife doesn’t fit into the complementarian mold; she shatters it. She exhibits leadership qualities, makes financial decisions for the family, plans and prepares for their future, and shows great wisdom and an ability to teach others.And these are things for which her husband praises her. He is not threatened by her business acumen or her leadership ability. There is no indication that he reserves the right to review her decisions to have the final say.

On the contrary, she is portrayed as capable of independent thought and action, and her husband is not just OK with it, he encourages it.Marriage works best as a partnership, with open communication and shared decision-making between husband and wife. Both men and women are capable of rational thought and both contribute to the leadership of the family. Management of various aspects of the home should be based on competency, not on gender. For example, if a woman has a keen mind for business and numbers, it makes more sense for her to manage the family finances than her husband who has little interest in such things.What I see described in Proverbs 31 is a partnership where the husband trusts his wife and puts full confidence in her abilities, rather than a complementarian or patriarchal system where he must have the final word on everything, and his wife must always submit to his decisions. He empowers her to reach her full potential; he does not restrain her so that she can never surpass his limitations.

It’s time we reconsider whether complementarianism is really a biblical model, or simply a traditional cultural model onto which we’ve imposed a proof-texted interpretation of Scripture. The Proverbs 31 wife is not a quiet, retiring housewife who exists simply to fluff her husband’s ego and carry out his whims. She is a boss! And she is presented as a model for women everywhere. What lessons might we learn from her today?

Photo by Carli Jeen on Unsplash

The Cycle of Violence and Abuse

It’s been quite some time since I posted anything regarding violence and abuse. I have read that that abuse and the number of its victims has increased since the imposed Covid19 lockdown, and wanted to offer some help for anyone out there who may need it. 

If you are in a dangerous situation please get in touch with the National Abuse Hotline by calling 800-799-7233 or contacting the informational website and chat line even if you don’t feel that you are ready to leave. There is help available. Please don’t let your fear cause you to become a statistic!

It is of the utmost importance that you understand that abuse, no matter the form is not God’s will for your life no matter who you are. You are not responsible for the actions of another person regardless of your gender, age, or religion!  As a Christian woman, it is not your calling to stay in the home to save your husband, even though you may have been told this by clergy. That is a lie. 

The cycle of violence isn’t always something everyone understands. However, the more you study it, the more you do understand. The cycles of violence happen when a cycle of events happens in an abusive relationship.

The stages don’t all happen at once and it’s not all done the same way in each relationship. Sometimes it can happen within a couple of hours, while other times, it may take up to a year to complete the cycle. Continue reading to understand the cycle of violence.

The Cycle of Abuse

The following link is a blog dedicated to the awareness of domestic voilence and church abuse written from the perspective of a born again Christian woman. 

Because It Matters, Freedom From Abuse

A Berean

Since the time the Lord brought me out of the false healing movement (International Association of Healing Rooms), the false prophetic and false dream/visions it has been my hope to help others see the truth. Through the leading of the Lord, his great love and mercy, I have seen that take place, time and again. During the past 8 1/2 years, I have learned a great deal and oftentimes the learning has been the result of the gifts and love of my brothers and sisters in Christ, most often than not, other bloggers as well as my readers.

For these moments I am deeply grateful as I have seen the Lord bring together believers who were, and still are without a meeting place. Yet, it was in the early days, between the months of April, 2008 and June, 2009 when I, like Mary, who sat at the feet of Jesus to learn because there was no where else to turn. And like before me, Simon Peter, and the woman with the vial of oil, I clung to him and only to him, uncaring of what others thought of me, because he has the words of eternal life (John 6:68, Luke 7:37).

When I first embarked upon this journey I had no real plan in place. I felt greatly responsible for the damage I had done and I wanted to set things right though I had no idea what that would look like. I realized my greatest downfall first, my own ignorance of the scriptures. Second, was my willingness to submit to others who I believed knew more than I did. I also acknowledge a big part of that willingness to submit was out of balance, and a trap of Satan to which many of us fall prey.

There do exist ideologies and belief systems resulting from teachings which are not scriptural, yet they are taught by people who have a need for control and attention. They are taught to people who believe they are lowly and are in need of someone to reign over them. And though believers are admonished in scripture to search for the truth and to test the teachings of others, we do not. As we read these two verses in Acts 17, we find the result of that research is to find the truth and believe.

11Now the Bereans were more noble-minded than the Thessalonians, for they received the message with great eagerness and examined the Scriptures every day to see if these teachings were true. 12As a result, many of them believed, along with quite a few prominent Greek women and men.

We are responsible for our salvation and we are told to work it out in fear in trembling (Philippians 2:12). Again, we do not. And the resulting entrapment is of our own doing as we have allowed the father of lies to gain entrance into our lives and separate us from Christ who has set us free from the assignment of death.

Recently, as you have read, I had the experience of trusting a teacher I deemed to be from the Lord. As a group we were invited to ask questions and the result of our questions brought a storm against us that has not yet abated. Of late, we have been called feminists and Jezebels, and are accused of doing the work of Satan.

While I feel bad for people who have the need to control others, I will not stand for it. And I will continue to preach the one and only Jesus, the Messiah to as  many who will listen, male or female. I will continue to encourage healthy, doctrinal sound conversation here, held in the search for the truth, as bereans, as defenders of the faith, until such time as the Lord says to stop. Why? Because the it has been by the hand of the Lord that this blog came into being.  Together, we have grown and thrown off the wiles of the devil. It is the true work of a believer to make disciples. I believe there are many out there who still need to be pulled from the fire of charismania. As I have stated in the past, I will not wear a burqa. There is too much at stake.

Going forward, I will be looking at some very interesting and enlightening research regarding the roles of Christian women, written by men and women who not only know the scriptures, but understand the meanings, the culture and the events that took place during the times the scriptures were written. The omission of these important details have been the result of some very bad teaching regarding the roles of women.

False Christianity set by man, and their resulting bondage be damned. Literally.

Christ came to set us free and I will stand for that freedom.