I’m feeling a little dramatic…
Years ago my daughter Jessica used to be in a mime/drama group called Christ in Action along with a very dear friend’s daughter. Together they reenacted this dramatic piece of Carman’s, A Witch’s Invitation.
This video brings back those happy moments which now seem more like another lifetime than they do memories of this one.
In honor of her passing 9 years ago (April 27), and in the hope that I will see for myself her name written in the Lamb’s Book of Life…
and as a testament that Satan is not the victor in her passing…
nor in the passing of the daughter’s mother that same year…
what else can I add, but the most important factor – Christ’s meaning from the cross “It is Finished!!!”…
indulge me a moment – –
and then give a shout. He is victorious in all things!
(and I really hope that burns the devil’s butt tonight!)
I was very much touched by this writing and wanted to share it with you all. So this is for all- for we all suffer loss of a loved ones in our lives. The pain is there regardless of who they were. We know that nothing can take their place in our lives; that void is deep and long. Praise to the One – Jesus Christ – who holds us together during those times. Let us hold to the promise that grief is only for a time; an eternity of joy awaits at His coming. Maranatha!
“Mama, are you going to die tonight?”
“No, not tonight.”
“What about Daddy? Is he going to die tonight?”
“When? When are you all going to die?”
“Doll Baby, we all have to die sometime. But Daddy and I are not going to die tonight. Hush, now. Go to sleep. I’m here.”
Every night it was the same conversation. Each time, my mother was patient sitting on my bedside, waiting for me to go to sleep before she left the room.
I was just a babe back then and outgrew her bedtime assurances. But the fear of her death haunted me all my life.
If I had only thought to ask my mother the same questions the last time I saw her back in October. Could she have told me? Would she have told me she was getting ready to die?
For months, I have asked myself where is my mother? Night time; bedtime is the worst time. I see her face and remember her voice, laughter and oh there is so much I remember. I can no longer pick up the phone and hear her voice giving me that instant assurance that she is alright. Where is she, God?
Painful words to have to speak – but I say them anyway — for they are true; the day will come when it will not matter to me where she is.
But for now, it is a type of torment to wonder where a loved one is after leaving this earth. See, a few weeks before she died, she and I were talking about the things of God. Well, at least I was trying to. She had brought the subject up and I tried to take it to salvation. She was getting irritated. And even told me, “Maybe, I’m going to hell.” She said it kind of angry and kind of bitter. I felt something like ice go through me and a wall went up. How Lord do I respond to this? I had no words. So we dropped the subject.
I did not know what she knew at the time…that her heart was at 40 percent capacity. I did not know the things she must have had on her mind. But God knew. No doubt, she was afraid and she was preparing to meet her Maker. She was not sounding a trumpet. It was as personal as the God she believed in. Most of her generation is like that: strong, silent, independent and determined.
We had talked many times over the past few years about salvation. She knew it was not church that saved anyone. She knew it was not being good enough that gave you entrance to heaven. She knew it was not having your name on a membership roll. She knew all these things. She knew that it was what Jesus did on the cross.
My mother was not someone I could fellowship with. The God she believed in was a personal God. As a precious sister pointed out to me: Our parent’s generation belief in God was personal. They didn’t sound trumpets. They just believed.
I’m glad my mother did not have to contend with false teachers of the past few decades. She would have been believing in a jesus contrary to the Word of God. She knew a phony when she saw one and no way would she have acted a fool by getting drunk in the spirit, barking like a dog, clucking like a chicken, smoking the Holy Ghost or trying to have her best life now. Surely, if she had been a follower of any of the modern day heretics, I would have some real cause of alarm. Her belief in God was simple: Jesus died on a cross for us and we can only hope we go to heaven.
More than once — in my self-righteousness – I would tell her, “But Mom, we can have full assurance.” I understand now. I understand what she meant. Too many times, we take salvation for granted.
We are told to work out our salvation with fear and trembling. I can’t speak for anyone else, but for myself, I’ve had some fear and trembling the past few months. Yet, still not enough or I would find it in myself to repent for every wrong thought or thing I do. Like my mother before me, I fall upon the mercy of God.
God is not a fair God. It was not fair that His only begotten Son had to die for MY sins. Yet, at the same time, God is a just God. He sees all and knows all. All through her life, He saw my mother’s heart. The past few months of her life, He knew what was in her. He saw how she was preparing herself to meet Him. Looking back, even I can see it now. If I had not been so wrapped up in what I believed was going to take place in the world at the time, I may have seen it then. But I didn’t see it and as one friend told me: “It was probably meant that way. If you had known, I don’t think you could have handled it.”
So, I lay in bed and wonder. I ask God, where is she? I get no answer. All I get is; when we see Him face to face we shall be like Him. That is when it will not matter to me anymore.
When we become just like Him, we will have the justice of God so ingrained in us that any preceived notions of what we believe to be right and wrong will no longer matter.
Did you know that in hell there is love? Yes, it is true. The rich man who asked Abraham to give him just a drop of water also begged him tell his loved ones about the place he was in. He loved them so such that he did not want them there with him!
I have comforted myself the past few months in remembering the last few weeks of her life. A subtle change had taken place in her. She became kind of sweet. Kind of soft. She still had her days of not feeling well, days of being stubborn as a mule and spunky to the point that her children did not know how to deal with her, but it was if a part of her had resigned herself in trusting something greater than herself and greater than those around her.
I have comforted myself the past few months in remembering not how good of a person my mother was. But in the fact that she knew the simple truth: Jesus is the perfect sacrifice.
One thing I do know — no matter where she is — if she could speak to me, she would tell me: Tell them. Tell my children and all those who loved me the truth. Tell all of humanity. Tell them about Jesus. Tell them the truth.
Until that day, when I see my Savior and Redeemer face-to-face, I will always wonder where loved ones are, after they depart from this earth. But until then, I continue to comfort myself with this thought: When I can not understand His hand, I will trust His heart.
His heart for my mother was this: For I know the thoughts that I think toward you, says the LORD, thoughts of peace and not of evil, to give you a future and a hope. Then you will call upon Me and go and pray to Me, and I will listen to you. — Jeremiah 29:11,12 –
I can not help but believe that the last few weeks of my mother’s life she called upon the Lord in ways that she never had before. She was a strong gutsy woman full of vim and vinegar. Yet, she reached a point in her life where nothing and no one else would do, but God. A place where we all will reach sooner or later.
It has taken me months to write this. I still have not done the truth justice. Someday, when we see Him face-to-face, when we will be like Him, ALL things will be revealed. But until then, I will trust in Him. His ways are higher than mine and He is perfect in all of His ways.
My mother was right. We have such a beautiful hope in God. His mercies are new every morning. Our life truly is but a vapor. Nothing really matters but the truth. The truth is God loved my mother, saw her heart in all things, knew her inside and out, and He IS a righteous judge of us all.
May God be exalted in times of grief!
OREGON CITY — Clackamas County Circuit Court Judge Steven Maurer sentenced Jeffrey and Marci Beagley to 16 months in prison this afternoon, calling the couple’s decision to not seek medical care for their 16-year-old son, Neil Beagley, “a crime that was a product of an unwillingness to respect the boundaries of freedom of religious expression”.
Who wants to end up this way? Is it enough to suffer the death of a beloved child and then to be found guilty in that death? I cannot imagine the pain, the guilt and suffering they will face in the months and years to come. Certainly, my heart goes out to them. What a horrific price to pay to find out too late the scriptural truth taught in excesses by these word of faith “healers” do not work.
Another warning to pay attention to what we are taught and who and what we allow ourselves to believe in. Jesus healed all who He laid hands on to show He is God. And tho He still heals through prayer and His sovereign will, He does not heal everyone. We aren’t given reasons for that. God’s ways are not our own. Anyone coming with a solution or a reason that a healing does not “manifest” (a lack of faith or lack of enough faith, failure to realize a true ability to be healed, healing is a right given to us, sickness and disease is a curse that needs to be broken, etc.) is a liar before God.
It is a very good thing to have the medical care that we have in the US. It is pure ignorance and stupidity taught by these word of faith healers that we or our loved ones only need to “believe” and we will never need a doctor’s help. We are NOT promised divine health and healing at salvation.
Believe this – those who teach these lies of divine health go to doctors and dentists, wear glasses, take medication for their high blood pressure or insulin for their diabetes. They have all kinds of medical procedures done to them and their loved ones. One day they will all die as their bodies wear out. Before that they will suffer various end life ailments and even wear corrective eye lenses and hearing aides. Many of them will die of illness or incurable disease. And even before their own death comes many would have lived lives of luxury from all those believers who gladly paid them to perform or to teach them such miracles. But, die they will. And guess why? Because sin equals physical death for us all and there is no getting around it. Romans 6:23
Again, if you or someone you love is involved in a healing ministry, if you are being taught in a church or para church organization that divine healing is yours, you are following a false teacher. Get out from them and into the word. Get the focus off the illness and on to God for His will in your life.
This situation or one similar can happen to any of us who are untaught and unstable in the word of God.
Well, maybe I have put this off long enough in wondering if I want to write about my emotions, the shock that is still with me (us) in losing Steven, and all the old buried emotions and memories of losing Jessica. Two deaths of two children 10 years apart in age, nearly 8 years apart in death. Steven and Jessica loved each other, not early on, but in the later years, the time just before her death. And how he cried for her, even lately, even he could not understand why she died and he lived. Two children-one son, one daughter died very similar deaths, similar injuries, similar reasons with very similar birthdays, his February 9th and hers February 10th. And for all the facts I can put together there still is no reasoning why these two had to die. Stupid choices made by another in the heat of the moment, one is in jail, one is not. Head injuries – irreparable damage resulting in quick deaths. Only One could keep them alive, yet in His good reasoning chose not to. I found a picture of them talking face to face at my grandmother’s funeral taken only a couple of weeks before Jessica died. As I looked, the picture told me they had been conniving, together forming a plan to leave us then. We, as a family agreed it was so, it had to be that way. It brought us peace to agree.
I put my mother on the plane this morning and wondered if I would see her again. We never know when will be our last conversation, our last hug, or even our last argument. Those we love are taken from us so quickly and without warning, more times than we think about. Yesterday I read the news of a hiker who had fallen into the mouth of Mount St. Helens while posing for a photograph. The land beneath him gave away and he fell 1500 feet to his death. No warning. Not for him or for those who loved him. Just gone like— that, just that quickly.
And so it was for our son and our daughter. I was Steven’s step mother. I am not saying that to separate myself, but to give place to the respect of his mother as I believe that position is very important. Maybe more so in death than in life, but for reasons I cannot explain to you. I heard his mother cry out in her grief in the loss of knowing she will never see her baby again and that is all she wanted, would give anything, go anywhere, do anything just for the chance to make this thing wrong death thing right, to again bring life back to her child. And that grief was mine – for a moment it made she and I one. And in his death, having already known first hand the loss of the death of a child that maybe only a mother can experience and the willingness to do anything, go anywhere to make this death thing right, but being granted only a black and stony silence in the response. It is dark, it is nothing short of hell as we know it this side of life. And there are no rose colored glasses to help paint a nicer picture. All that these two precious people were to us, their family and their friends, all that they could have become is forever lost. There will be no children borne through them to carry on their names, their smiles, their deep blue eyes or their laughter or hugs. All of it gone just like—that.
And so, as “deep cries out to deep” I can only trust in the love and peace my Father, our Father has to offer me (us) in the hope of a better day. A day when the pain will not be so intense, a day when my thoughts come back to me, a day when the memories of those loved and lost will no longer rip a hole in my spirit, but instead offer a giggle in my heart for their love, the laughter that we shared, and the peace that will come in the knowledge that they were only mine (ours) for a time. I long for the day I see them again and there will be no more tears, no more loss, no more confusion or pain. But in that day, a brighter smile through clearer eyes. For what we see now in part we will know then face to face.
Thank you for all of your wonderful prayers and words of encouragement. They have meant more to us than words can express. We can feel them like a presence, like a warm comforter wrapped around an otherwise crazed world. I cannot kick against this. For whatever reason, the Lord has allowed these deaths. It may sound very simple, maybe too simple, but I must say this here as I have said it aloud – the Father knew they were going to die and He allowed it. So, the One who sees the beginning of all things to the very end, the One who knows all of the ins and outs and in-betweens has found reason for these two deaths to take place in our world, He has again allowed our lives to shatter. So, I resign myself to His love and His ways as I again remind myself that His ways are not my own, but much higher and with greater purpose. As much as I can in this moment of life, I resolve in my spirit to live by His.
In loving memory of our precious children
Steven Gordon Kelly II and Jessica Nicole Brown
I said I wasn’t going to post the crap from Crowder and Dunn (Sons of Thunder, Santa Cruz, CA) but with the joining of their wives and Beni Johnon (Bill Johnson, Bethel, Redding, CA) it seems important for others to be aware of these jokers and where their support and adoration are going. This is beyond spiritual drunkenness and who knows where it will end for them and their followers. I can’t imagine anyone taking them seriously as Christians, much less allowing their children to become involved with them.
Be warned – these videos are most offensive!
tokin’ the ghost
John Crowder – Magic Carpet Ride
Crowder at the grave of John Alexander Dowie – Also I would like to point out the healing (false) connection between Dowie and John G. Lake, and later with Cal Pierce – International Association of Healing Rooms. Bill Johnson and he are friends, Bill is on the board of directors.
Matthew 10:7-8 As you go, preach, saying “The kingdom of Heaven is at hand. 8 Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out demons. Freely you have received, freely give.”
This is the stuff I came out of – (false) HEALING –
Randy Clark was one of the speakers (along with Bill Johnson) at the one and only IAHR (International Assoc of Healing Rooms -Cal Pierce/John G. Lake) conference I attended a few years ago in Spokane. He also was very influential in the spiritual life of the Healing Rooms Director I worked with. I have a video of Randy and Todd at Lakeland on my blog doing that impartation thing –electrocution style. Impartation is a very big thing in charismania. I’m sure it’s were I picked up the demons. Bad stuff.
Watch it here to see if you really want to be a part of the teaching and impartation offered by Randy and his cohorts- and hear them discuss the connection between Todd Bentley, Randy Clark and the Toronto Blessing – Lakeland Electrocution Impartation
A man cannot impart spiritual gifts, power, anointing, knowledge or wisdom into another. Those things are given through God alone. The Holy Spirit IS God, so how can a man who teaches improper things and false doctrine impart Him to you? It cannot be done. Let me warn you. Watching and listening to false teaching in agreement is enough to invite demons into your life. If you open your mind to the thought that “maybe they are right, maybe they know more than I” you have opened a door for deception. The devil will be very happy to lead you further astray.This is what happened to me.
Link to Randy Clark’s ministry – Global Awakening (There’s that word again – AWAKENING) Does this sound like it has anything to do with Christ or the gospel?
Again, in these teachings and ministries they completely deny the work of the Holy Spirit in believing THEY are the carriers of His presence. THEY have the answer to why people don’t heal when they are prayed for. Forget the sovereignty of God. Word of Faith has the answer everyone is looking for. They spin off of Ken Hagin’s stuff. It’s witchcraft repackaged!
It is God who heals. We pray, He moves. Not everyone gets healed and we do not know why. It is not our place to know. It is not even our place to ask or to question God. I don’t care how many times they spit out the word intimacy, there are some things we are not to know. Isaiah 55:8 For My thoughts are not your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways, says the Lord. 9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts. Those who do not walk in the Spirit led lifestyle will go after other knowledge and claim to know things the rest of us do not. Whatever they are selling, even if they offer it for free – you do not want it.
Acts 8:18-24 Then they laid hands on them, and they received the Holy Spirit. 18 and when Simon saw that through the laying on of the apostles’ hands the Holy Spirit was given, he offered them money, 19 saying, “Give me this power also, that anyone on whom I lay hands may receive the Holy Spirit.” 20 But Peter said to him, “Your money perish with you, because you thought that the gift of God could be purchased with money! 21 You have neither part nor portion in this matter, for your heart is not right in the sight of God. 22 Repent therefore of this your wickedness, and pray God if perhaps the thought of your heart may be forgiven you. 23 For I see that you are poisoned by bitterness and bound by iniquity.” 24 Then Simon answered and said, “Pray to the Lord for me, that none of the things which you have spoken may come upon me.”
Simon was a new believer as noted in verse 13, having had been a sorcerer. Being so new to the faith it is easy to be mistaken. Peter pointed his sin out to him in without haste and Simon repented. These gnostic laden teachers are not new believers and are therefore without excuse.
After all, where we we when God hung the stars into place and set the planets into orbit? Can we tell God how that is done? No. We cannot. (Those who think otherwise should read the last few chapters of Job.) Where we we when God formed Adam out of the dust of the ground creating intricate parts of the body that miraculously work together? We cannot tell Him how creation of man is done. We cannot tell Him how to heal a person. And we cannot tell another how to heal a person. Healing comes only from the power of God Himself through His choice to heal or to not heal. It will never come through a man made method or decree or proclamation, nor by study course or impartation!
It certainly does not come from healing energy, (see their message below) which sounds very much like Reiki, a Japanese technique for reducing stress and promoting healing through the laying on of hands. The word Reiki is made of two Japanese words – Rei which means “God’s Wisdom or the Higher Power” and Ki which is “life force energy”. So Reiki is actually “spiritually guided life force energy.“Read more here – What is Reiki
Be careful, be wise and ask the Lord to give us all greater discernment in these times.
Revival Phenomena and Healing
The Agony of Defeat, The Thrill of Victory, Four Kinds of Faith for Healing, Biblical Basis for Healing and Pressing In
Deliverance and Disbelief
Healing and the Kingdom, Deliverance: A Ten-Step Ministry Model, Throne Life, Healing out of Intimacy with God and Warfield: His counterfeit miracles and today’s echos.
Spiritual and Medical Perspectives
History of Healing within Christianity and Healing Energy
…like an anchor, holding me, weighted, secure,
the greatest horror, the biggest loss…
…holding me from falling into the arms of madness,
into the screaming blackness quickly surrounding me, part of me wanting to go, to be gone, to disappear, to make this not happen.
– I could not change this. Of all the things I fixed for you, I could not fix this one. It was done. – I again am helpless…
He was there all along. He knew way before I.
It was the way she looked in her eyes. It was the way I felt when she would leave the house…. a decided unsettled – ness,
sometimes just knocking lightly in my head, other times screaming, ripping through my heart.
The wakefulness, the middle of the night prayers, our prayers, the tears. Her tears, my tears; a terror we shared in our spirits. One that we did not dare name or speak of for as to do so may call it into existence setting things into motion.
What things? Then,
walking into her room, her bed unmade, empty forever. Her favorite shower gel waiting on the shelf, a bottle of “barbie pink” nail polish that I had just given her, untouched.
These simple stupid things that would seem not to matter are the worst of all. They are the material reminders of her personality.
“I love you mommy” an echo, haunting….through the house, mingling with the soft scent of her perfume. And this thing. The absence of her…
…as deep cries unto deep I cannot and will not ever be able to wrap myself around this one. No need to try, it is impossible to accept that her death, her passing of this earth as
It is impossible to accept that I will not see her here on this earth again. So, acceptance is no longer a goal, or even a factor in the rest of my life here on earth. I just shuffle through, one step a day, sometimes no step, sometimes falling backward,
but mostly moving…by one breath at a time.
and I remember the promise. Jessica.
I remember the prophecy.
He knew all along.
He is my Anchor.
Who inhabits eternity, whose name is holy:
I dwell in the high and holy place,
With him who has a contrite and humble spirit,
To revive the spirit of the humble
And to revive the heart of the contrite ones.