False Healing Impartation

Matthew 10:7-8  As you go, preach, saying “The kingdom of Heaven is at hand. 8 Heal the sick, cleanse the lepers, raise the dead, cast out demons. Freely you have received, freely give.”

This is the stuff I came out of – (false) HEALING –

Randy Clark was one of the speakers (along with Bill Johnson) at the one and only IAHR (International Assoc of Healing Rooms -Cal Pierce/John G. Lake) conference I attended a few years ago in Spokane. He also was very influential in the spiritual life of the Healing Rooms Director I worked with.  I have a video of Randy and Todd at Lakeland on my blog doing that impartation thing –electrocution style. Impartation is a very big thing in charismania. I’m sure it’s were I picked up the demons. Bad stuff.

Watch it here to see if you really want to be a part of the teaching and impartation offered by Randy and his cohorts- and hear them discuss the connection between Todd Bentley, Randy Clark and the Toronto Blessing – Lakeland Electrocution Impartation

A man cannot impart spiritual gifts, power, anointing, knowledge or wisdom into another. Those things are given through God alone. The Holy Spirit IS God, so how can a man who teaches improper things and false doctrine impart Him to you? It cannot be done. Let me warn you. Watching and listening to false teaching in agreement  is enough to invite demons into your life. If you open your mind to the thought that “maybe they are right, maybe they know more than I” you have opened a door for deception. The devil will be very happy to lead you further astray.This is what happened to me.

Link to Randy Clark’s ministry – Global Awakening (There’s that word again – AWAKENING) Does this sound like it has anything to do with Christ or the gospel?

Again, in these teachings and ministries they completely deny the work of the Holy Spirit in believing THEY are the carriers of His presence.  THEY have the answer to why people don’t heal when they are prayed for. Forget the sovereignty of God. Word of Faith has the answer everyone is looking for. They spin off of Ken Hagin’s stuff.  It’s witchcraft repackaged!

It is God who heals. We pray, He moves. Not everyone gets healed and we do not know why. It is not our place to know. It is not even our place to ask or to question God.  I don’t care how many times they spit out the word intimacy, there are some things we are not to know. Isaiah 55:8 For My thoughts are not  your thoughts, nor are your ways My ways, says the Lord. 9 For as the heavens are higher than the earth, So are My ways higher than your ways and My thoughts than your thoughts. Those who do not walk in the Spirit led lifestyle will go after other knowledge and claim to know things the rest of us do not. Whatever they are selling, even if they offer it for free – you do not want it.

Acts 8:18-24 Then they laid hands on them, and they received the Holy Spirit. 18 and when Simon saw that through the laying on of the apostles’ hands the Holy Spirit was given, he offered them money, 19 saying, “Give me this power also, that anyone on whom I lay hands may receive the Holy Spirit.” 20 But Peter said to him, “Your money perish with you, because you thought that the gift of God could be purchased with money! 21 You have neither part nor portion in this matter, for your heart is not right in the sight of God. 22 Repent therefore of this your wickedness, and pray God if perhaps the thought of your heart may be forgiven you. 23 For I see that you are poisoned by bitterness and bound by iniquity.” 24 Then Simon answered and said, “Pray to the Lord for me, that none of the things which you have spoken may come upon me.”

Simon was a new believer as noted in verse 13, having had been a sorcerer. Being so new to the faith it is easy to be mistaken. Peter pointed his sin out to him in without haste and Simon repented. These gnostic laden teachers are not new believers and are therefore without excuse.

After all, where we we when God hung the stars into place and set the planets into orbit? Can we tell God how that is done? No. We cannot. (Those who think otherwise should read the last few chapters of Job.) Where we we when God formed Adam out of the dust of the ground creating intricate parts of the body that miraculously work together? We cannot tell Him how creation of man is done. We cannot tell Him how to heal a person. And we cannot tell another how to heal a person. Healing comes only from the power of God Himself through His choice to heal or to not heal. It will never come through a man made method or decree or proclamation, nor by study course or impartation!

It certainly does not come from healing energy, (see their message below) which sounds very much like Reiki, a Japanese technique for reducing stress and promoting healing through the laying on of hands. The word Reiki is made of two Japanese words – Rei which means “God’s Wisdom or the Higher Power” and Ki which is “life force energy”. So Reiki is actually “spiritually guided life force energy.Read more here – What is Reiki

Be careful, be wise and ask the Lord to give us all greater discernment in these times.

________________________________

Have you ever said, “I wish I knew how to pray for the sick” or “How can I receive an impartation for healing?” Have you ever wanted to be equipped to do miracles?
We are excited to announce that we will be broadcasting the School of Healing & Impartation with Randy Clark and Bill Johnson. It will be broadcast from the Redding Convention Center. The school will be during the afternoons followed by open evening healing meetings. The school will include:
  • Revival Phenomena and Healing
    The Agony of Defeat, The Thrill of Victory, Four Kinds of Faith for Healing, Biblical Basis for Healing and Pressing In
  • Deliverance and Disbelief
    Healing and the Kingdom, Deliverance: A Ten-Step Ministry Model, Throne Life, Healing out of Intimacy with God and Warfield: His counterfeit miracles and today’s echos.
  • Spiritual and Medical Perspectives
    History of Healing within Christianity and Healing Energy
Come and join us online, get equipped, witness the power of God. During the evenings we will be bringing in the sick, so tune in and be a part of this event.
Note: Due to the limited bandwidth at the Redding Convetion Center, we will only have one live video stream but the archived sets will have all three levels available.
Subscibers receive an automatic 15% discount on the conference.

Contemplative Centering Prayer – Ken Silva

Good article from Ken at Apprising Ministries. He keeps up on this stuff much better than I can!

CONTEMPLATIVE/CENTERING PRAYER

By Ken Silva pastor-teacher on Dec 30, 2009 in Contemplative Spirituality/Mysticism

This so-called “spiritual discipline” is the chief vehicle of Contemplative Spirituality/Mysticism and is without question a ”Christian” form of transcendental meditation. Consider the following from Contemplative (Centering) Prayer:

In 1974, Father William Meninger, a Trappist monk and retreat master at St. Josephs Abbey in Spencer, Mass. found a dusty little book in the abbey library, The Cloud of Unknowing. As he read it he was delighted to discover that this anonymous 14th century book presented contemplative meditation as a teachable, spiritual process enabling the ordinary person to enter and receive a direct experience of union with God.

This form of meditation, recently known as ‘Centering Prayer’ (from a text of Thomas Merton) can be traced from and through the earliest centuries of Christianity… (Online source)

The last statement is true to a point; as you’ll see in Keeping You Apprised Of: Contemplative/Centering Prayer it did not originate with Jesus or His Apostles, but circa third century from hermits in the desert of Egypt who’re romanticized today as “the desert fathers.” And as you can see the terms Contemplative/Centering Prayer (CCP) are synonymous for this practice of “wordless prayer.”

You’ll also see that practioners of CCP, such as Living Spiritual Teacher and Quaker mystic Richard Foster, will often refer to CCP as “the silence.” Foster tells us:

Contemplative Prayer immerses us into the silence of God. How desperately we in the modern world need this wordless baptism… Contemplative Prayer is the one discipline that can free us from our addiction to words. Progress in intimacy with God means progress toward silence… It is recreating silence to which we are called in Contemplative Prayer…

A Warning And A Precaution

At the outset I need to give a word of warning,… Contemplative Prayer is not for the novice. I do not say this about any other form of prayer… Contemplative prayer is for those who have exercised their spiritual muscles a bit and know something about the landscape of the spirit. In fact, those who work in the area of spiritual direction always look for signs of a maturing faith before encouraging individuals into Contemplative Prayer…

I also want to give a word of precaution. In the silent contemplation of God we are entering deeply into the spiritual realm, and there is such a thing as a supernatural guidance. While the Bible does not give us a lot of information on that, there are various orders of spiritual beings, and some of them are definitely not in cooperation with God and his way! … But for now I want to encourage you to learn and practice prayers of protection. (Prayer: Finding The Heart’s True Home, 155, 156, 157)

CCP has no place in the Body of Christ; because if it did, when Jesus was asked by His disciples how to pray, He would surely have mentioned this alleged ”wordless baptism” supposedly so necessary for, “Progress in intimacy with God [i.e. Law].” But the Master did not. How do we know; well, I’m glad you asked.

We know because God the Holy Spirit tells us in His inspired, inerrant, and infallible, text of Holy Scripture through His chosen vessel Luke:

Now Jesus was praying in a certain place, and when He finished, one of His disciples said to Him, “Lord, teach us to pray, as John taught his disciples.” And He said to them, “When you pray, say: Father, hallowed be Your name. Your kingdom come. Give us each day our daily bread, and forgive us our sins, for we ourselves forgive everyone who is indebted to us. And lead us not into temptation.” (Luke 11:1-4, ESV)

I’m so glad Ken pointed that out. When I was the intercessor for the healing room ministry I simply asked God how do I pray.  I got the same answer.

More Bad Water

Related previous articles

Another False Move Meeting

The Convergence of Bad Rivers

Spiritual drunkenness. Want to see what a drunk looks like?  Go to a bar and watch and then watch this video. It’s the same bodily movements and descriptions. Carol Arnott – the more she speaks the more she gets knocked by that spirit. It is not the Holy Spirit, but do you think those in the audience care?  And her husband John who says they’ve had more fun in the last 15 years than is probably legal. Really? Tell that to Christians in other countries who are tortured or martyred for their genuine faith.

Here are a couple of my articles that address these issues if you haven’t already read them:

Another Spirit

Spiritual Drunkenness

I’ve avoided the whole John Crowder/Benjamin Dunn scene because they are so disgusting they are beyond mention. If you want to watch them “toke the ghost” you can find them on youtube easily enough. I can’t get into it here as I find their videos to be nothing but an outright mockery of God.

Their women are teaming with Beni Johnson (Bethel) to do a women’s conference –  Girls Just Want To Have Fun (wasn’t that a Madonna song?  Oops nope. It’s Cyndi Lauper, but of course the most recent recording is Miley Cyrus! Who do you think these Crowder women are getting these messages from?)

Crowder says “its like girls gone wild in the glory”.  Is that supposed to be some kind of compliment?  Or maybe it’s telling of  just what kind of spirit is behind this movement. Then there’s the list of women throughout history who have impacted revival. hmmm.. Whose revival?

Still don’t think Bethel is going contemplative? Crowder is. Listen to the description of his upcoming conferences toward the end of the vid. Birds of a feather…

If you can bear it, watch the video. It links to their own youtube site.

Girls Gone Wild Just Want To Have Fun (links to vid)

Crowder at John Alexander Dowie’s grave (links to vid) and will give an idea of where he gets his “anointing”. (I’m having problems with this link but you can find it on his right sidebar if it doesn’t pop up.)

When I saw IHOP, Bethel and John Arnott (Toronto Blessing) team together I thought that was it. No. Bethel teaming with the Crowder/Dunn gang is beyond it. But, I fear it is still only the beginning. So, if its ok to be drunk in the spirit, now they will be wasted in the spirit. What an outrage before our God!  What vain imaginations!

They say that abortion is the ruination of America, God is judging. But, what about the outright mockery these people have made of Him? We may need to rethink exactly what it is God will judge us for. Lou Engle and all that hot air going out on abortion and his solemn assemblies…He’s right there in the mix.

These people claim faith in the Jesus Christ who died for their sins, the One who made it possible to connect them back into relationship with God the Father. Yet they deny Him with their words of false teaching and prophecy. They deny the true person of the Holy Spirit.  What is left for them now? Their Savior has already come. Who is left to save them?

God is Watching

I felt like I needed to shift gears here for a little while. There is so much going on in our nation right now and so much needs the light and truth brought to it, so many need to be warned!  I never expected to get as deeply as I have in this health care issue.  But that is usually how it happens, isn’t it?  We look back later and say – wow.

I would like to focus for a moment or two on the Lord.  I get much peace in knowing just a few scriptures and so I wanted to share them here with you.  So let’s take a moment for a freshened and more Godly perspective.

I love that God is One Who Sees  – as Hagar called him in Genesis 16:13. Then she called the name of the Lord who spoke to her, You-Are-the-God-Who-Sees; for she said, “have I also here seen Him who sees me?”

God is watching.

Psalm 33:13-15

The Lord looks from heaven; He sees all the sons of men.  14 From the place of His dwelling He looks on all the inhabitants of the earth; 15 He fashions their hearts individually; he considers all their works.

He sees you, He sees me, He sees all that goes on and knows the intent of all hearts! 1 Samuel 16:7b For the Lord does not see as man sees, for man looks at the outward appearance, but the Lord looks at the heart.

Ecclesiastes 5:8-9  If you see the oppression of the poor, and the violent perversion of justice and righteousness in a province, do not marvel at the matter; for high official watches over high official, and higher officials are over them. 9 Moreover the profit of the land is for all; even the king is served from the field.

Those who look to do  evil are watched by those higher than they.

It is God Who is King!

Psalm 47:7-9 7 For God is the King of all the earth;  Sing praises with understanding.
8 God reigns over the nations; God sits on His holy throne.
9 The princes of the people have gathered together, the people of the God of Abraham.
For the shields of the earth belong to God; He is greatly exalted.

We are told to watch over and warn each other!

1Thessalonians 5:14 14 Now we exhort you, brethren, warn those who are unruly, comfort the fainthearted, uphold the weak, be patient with all. 15 See that no one renders evil for evil to anyone, but always pursue what is good both for yourselves and for all.

Remember it is Jesus who is our great Savior and Lord, whose kingdom will reign forever!

Luke 3:31-31 31 And behold, you will conceive in your womb and bring forth a Son, and shall call His name JESUS. 3233 And He will reign over the house of Jacob forever, and of His kingdom there will be no end.” He will be great, and will be called the Son of the Highest; and the Lord God will give Him the throne of His father David.

So as we go along, hearing bad news, warning others, remember to pray for those in high places. For many of them are lost, and though they speak against us, their only hope is the same as ours, Jesus the Messiah. Without Him, they have no hope and will be eternally lost.  Revelation 20:15 Anyone not found written in the Book of Life was cast into the lake of fire.

Remember to take a moment for encouragement as it is much needed and to encourage those around us. We cannot find ourselves bogged down in the mire of bad news.   Revelation 2:10 “Do not fear any of those things which you are about to suffer.  Indeed, the devil is about to throw some of you into prison, that you may be tested, and you will have tribulation ten days. Be faithful until death and I will give you the crown of life”.

Remember, to look up for THAT DAY is closer than it has ever been!  Revelation 7:9-11 9 After these things I looked, and behold, a great multitude which no one could number, of all nations, tribes, peoples, and tongues, standing before the throne and before the Lamb, clothed with white robes, with palm branches in their hands, 10 and crying out with a loud voice, saying, “Salvation belongs to our God who sits on the throne, and to the Lamb!” 11 All the angels stood around the throne and the elders and the four living creatures, and fell on their faces before the throne and worshiped God, 12 saying;  Amen!  Blessing and glory and wisdom, thanksgiving and honor and power and might, be to our God forever and ever Amen.”

Jesus is coming back as His own words remind us as many times as we care to read them of that truth and Who He truly is: Revelation 22:12-13 “And behold, I am coming quickly, and My reward is with Me, to give to everyone according to his work. 13 I am the Alpha and Omega, the Beginning and the End, the First and the Last.”

If you are a Christian, find encouragement in these words, and strength to continue your work. Let your light shine!

If you are not, repent!

There is no other hope for the lost, and no other way we can find salvation but through Jesus Christ, the Son of God, who came to earth in  bodily form as a man, suffered and died as a man, and rose again proving he is God to bridge the gap between sinful man and a righteous holy God, restoring our relationship as His children.  Repent and turn from your sinful ways, turn to the Lord for forgiveness, strength and hope. Choose Him, for He is life.

The time is coming when all that we have may be taken from us, and we just may be seeing that unfolding before our very eyes!  No one can separate us from the love of God as His children.  In Jesus we find salvation for our sins and hope for tomorrow because He who has promised is faithful to never leave us alone. No man, or other religious belief, or system of government can do what only the Son of God can.  John 16:33 These things I have spoken to you, that in Me you may have peace.  In the world you will have tribulation; but be of good cheer, I have overcome the world.

Prayin’ Like a Child

Today as I waited at Midas having the front brakes on my Jeep replaced, I started to read a chapter from The Complete Works of E.M. Bounds. No, it’s not a nice light book to drag around but I find it very interesting and safe to read in light of today’s more modern liars and new thought. (Or maybe it’s old thought, repackaged. hmmm, let’s not go there now.) 

But listen to what E.M. says on pages 343-4, taken from the chapter, Jesus Christ, An Example of Prayer:

Jesus Christ prayed to God as Father: Simply and directly did He approach God in the charmed and revered circle of the Father.  The awful, repelling fear was entirely absent, lost in the supreme confidence of a child.

Christ prayed as a child. The spirit of a child was found in him.  At the grave of Lazarus “Jesus lifted up His eyes and said, Father.”  Again we hear Him begin His prayer after this fashion” In that hour Jesus rejoiced in spirit, and said, I thank thee, O Father.” So also on other occasions we find Him in praying addressing God as His Father assuming the attitude of the child asking something of the Father. What confidence, simplicity and alertness!

What respect deepening into reverence!  We must live as children if we would ask as children.  We must act as children if we would pray as children.  The spirit of prayer is born of the child spirit.

An appeal to God the Father, if not associated with reverence and homage before the Divine Majesty, would betray a want of understanding of the character of God.”  And, we might add, would show a lack of the attributes of a child.

What amazing wording he writes with, how compelling.  I read and re-read his words as I sat there completely immersed in such gem of truth, such freedom and Christian realism.  I know that God is the Father, our Father, and I refer to Him that way.  But as I read and contemplated these words, this truth, I began to realize I did not approach Him in such a “supreme confidence”.   As I continued to think on this, I realized I always expect less for myself than for others.  I may think I ask in faith, claim I ask in faith, but do I?  I do not. I still see myself as the one who lost out on”, having had a life full of many disappointments.  Many in this word do, I am not alone, and some more than I could even imagine.  But, was I getting the things I asked for? No.  I hadn’t been expecting them too much. And on the other end of this I came to realize I have been the one holding out on myself, that I deny myself certain things and allowances that others seem to attain so easily.  Outwardly I did not take this on to most, but what of those who truly know me? God looks at the heart, does He not?  I had not been approaching the Father God as a child approaches a father, not at all. Not according to these words.

A mechanic’s waiting room is an odd place for emotional repenting, such as this!  Just try to hold those tears!!!

Even now as I type words of this blessed author and as I read them, again they pull me back in.  The choice of the author’s wording is so profound.  They reflect another time long ago when people spoke differently, reacted differently to God and to their fellow man…charmed and revered circle of the Father…respect deepening into reverence…

Who writes this way these days?  How far removed is not only the wording, but the heart intent of today’s loud, obnoxious and demanding people? After the last few days of conversation of the emergent church, the deception of Charismania, here, I am reminded anew of how truly distict Christianity is. What other religion could possibly offer such things as God the Father has offered and provided to those He calls children, to those He longs for to call Him Father.

If it is at all possible for a Christian to have been born again again, today would have been IT for me.

Blessed be the name of the Lord God. His name is Holy.

  • For similar reading on the prayers of Jesus go here

the anchor

Quote

 

…like an anchor, holding me, weighted, secure,

the greatest horror, the biggest loss…

…holding me from falling into the arms of madness,

into the screaming blackness quickly surrounding me, part of me wanting to go, to be gone, to disappear, to make this not happen. 

 – I could not change this.  Of all the things I fixed for you, I could not fix this one.  It was done. – I again am helpless…

He was there all along.  He knew way before I. 

It was the way she looked in her eyes.  It was the way I felt when she would leave the house…. a decided unsettled – ness,

sometimes just knocking lightly in my head, other times screaming, ripping through my heart. 

The wakefulness, the middle of the night prayers, our prayers, the tears.  Her tears, my tears;  a terror we shared in our spirits.  One that we did not dare name or speak of for as to do so may call it into existence setting things into motion. 

What things? Then,

walking into her room, her bed unmade, empty forever.  Her favorite shower gel waiting on the shelf, a bottle of “barbie pink” nail polish that I had just given her, untouched.

These simple stupid things that would seem not to matter are the worst of all.  They are the material reminders of her personality. 

“I love you mommy” an echo, haunting….through the house, mingling with the soft scent of her perfume.  And this thing.  The absence of her…

…as deep cries unto deep  I cannot and will not ever be able to wrap myself around this one.  No need to try, it is impossible to accept  that her death, her passing of this earth as

 my reality. 

It is impossible to accept that I will not see her here on this earth again.  So, acceptance is no longer a goal, or even a factor in the rest of my life here on earth.  I just shuffle through, one step a day, sometimes no step, sometimes falling backward,

but mostly moving…by one breath at a time.

and I remember the promise.  Jessica.

I remember the prophecy. 

He knew all along. 

He is my Anchor.

_____more_____

 – His Hands That Held You –

In Memory of Jessica (pics)

The Lesson of the Frogs

I pulled this from www.apprising.com

THE LESSON OF THE FROGS

By Ken Silva pastor-teacher on Jun 15, 2009 in Devotions

Back when I was still coaching high school football I received the following sermon illustration from Grady Vigneau, who was at that time anyway, the director of the All-Star Football Camp in Burlington, VT. In the times I was talking with him Grady never gave me any indication of being interested in spiritual things, so I don’t believe he had any real idea of the deeper truth he was speaking. During a short lecture to the young men, and young woman on my team, concerning making good choices in life, Grady then asked the players a great question using a riddle:

“There were 5 frogs sitting on a log. And suddenly 4 of them decided to jump off that log. How many frogs are left on that log?” Grady paused; and then he pointed out, “The answer is all 5. You see, making a decision to do something, is not the same as doing that something. Because to actually accomplish something requires an effort.”

Now here is that illustration applied to the spiritual life; making a decision to follow Christ, is not the same as actually following Him. Making the decision to be born again, is not the same as really being born again. And if you haven’t seen your life change since you made your “decision,” then you do have every reason to question whether you simply made some decision, or whether you were actually regenerated and placed into Christ’s hands.

For it is written — Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you—unless, of course, you fail the test? (2 Corinthians 13:5). While not a blanket endorsement of all he taught, consider the oft-quoted words from A.W. Tozer below. I ask you to pray and ponder, if you will, while considering the fact that Tozer is preaching this sermon around the mid-50’s. I’d also like to ask you to carefully think about something else as well as you read.

Do you really think that the visible church of our Lord Jesus Christ here in America is stronger now than it was then? Do you think that we are seeing the radically changed lives of God’s true people, which we read about in the Bible, and have seen down through the ages in Church history? And are we turning the world upside down like Christians did in the New Testament? The truth is that Tozer put his finger right on the problem when he said:

The old cross [killed] men; the new cross entertains them. The old cross condemned; the new cross amuses. The old cross destroyed confidence in the flesh; the new cross encourages it. The old cross brought tears and blood; the new cross brings laughter. The flesh, smiling and confident, preaches and sings about the [old] cross; before that cross it bows and toward that cross it points with carefully staged histrionics— but upon that cross it will not die, and the reproach of that cross it stubbornly refuses to bear.

I well know how many smooth arguments can be marshaled in support of the new cross. Does not the new cross win converts and make many followers and so carry the advantage of numerical success? Should we not adjust ourselves to the changing times? Have we not heard the slogan “New days, new ways?” And who but someone very old and very conservative would insist upon death as the appointed way to life?

And who today is interested in a gloomy mysticism that would sentence its flesh to a cross and recommend self-effacing humility as a virtue actually to be practiced by [so-called] modern Christians? These are the arguments, along with many more flippant still, which are brought forward to give an appearance of wisdom to the hollow and meaningless cross of popular Christianity. (The Pursuit Of Man, 53, 54)

But in the end men and women, what are we to make of these Words spoken by our Lord Jesus Christ of Nazareth — Then He said to them all: “If anyone would come after Me, He must deny himself and take up his cross daily and follow Me” (Luke 9:23). Today, shall we pray — My Lord and my God, please help me to deny myself, take up my cross, and to follow You. No matter what; to the end…

His Hands that Held You

 On April 27, 2002, our 19 year old daughter Jessica
was killed in an automobile accident.

The following story, His Hands that Held You, is a true account of a vision that I experienced shortly after her passing.  I am sharing this experience because I believe that we are living in a time of tragedy, none that America has experienced in quite a long time,  maybe never before.  We are shaken as we have experienced  this great country to not be the solid fortress we once thought. Sadly, we have lost our hope, our guide and now desperately long for something or someone to hold onto, to put our trust in.

The situations in this country and in the world will not get better.  The hatred and violence, the crimes against humanity will continue to grow in great proportions.  Because we are human and are given to doubt the things that we cannot understand or fully explain, some may find this story hard to accept in its truthfulness.  This incredible experience of peace and hope for the future was a true gift from God.  I am sharing this gift to encourage you that there is a God who loves you despite all the bad press. A God of comfort, of unexplainable peace and life everlasting; probably just the opposite of what you expected, learned or heard  Put all the negative stuff away for a few moments and listen to my story.  Come and meet the God of love!

This is dedicated not only to the precious memory of Jessica, but to the Lord Jesus Christ who keeps us and holds all things together, those things seen and unseen.  Things that are within our understanding and things that are not.

 

 “His Hands that Held You”

In Memory of Jessica Nicole Brown

Jesika,

One night during April 1997  you made the decision to follow Christ and it changed our lives and our eternities.  Your last night here on earth in April 2002 again changed our lives and the lives and eternities of many others, such that we will not fully know until the appointed time.  Even though your missions ministry here on earth was short- as we count days down here- it is eternal in the presence of God.  And just like you, your ministry was different from most, yet perfect in the eyes of God.  Just a few days after your death here, the Lord spoke to me. “Teach what you have been taught, for I come quickly.”

I am angry.  I am on the beach in Laguna lost, crying, asking God why this happened, why you had to die.  I want to know if you are with Him in paradise why I am stuck down here in such terror. I  spent so much time holding you up in prayer, together with you, only a month before….and in those secret moments God waking me in the middle of the night, crying for your safety,  begging for your life because I could not dare to face even the thought of losing you.  Yet, there was a slight nagging in my soul telling me I just might.

How I loved you.  How I longed to take my faith, my wisdom and give it to you, carve it out of my very spirit.  In overcoming horrors of my own life, I thought I could walk you right through yours.  I know I was the cause of some of those horrors – the insecurity, the lack of self confidence, the emptiness, searching, reaching for anything, anyone to make you feel good about who you are.  Never stopping to count what it would cost or where it might lead you later on. I knew this all too well as I once owned these things.

In watching you over the years, I amazingly saw things in your personality and character that I adored, characteristics that were much different than my own.  It was the very essence of you, the girl-i-ness, your sense of humor, and the outright determination to be different from anyone, the courage just to be Jessica – – Jesika.  I am glad that I took the time to tell you this before

Our private jokes that were funny lines and gestures taken from movies that we would  throw in to our conversations just for the simple giggles.  Watching you in youth group, becoming a mentor, your deep concern for others’ feelings.  Often expressing concern for others in our family to know Jesus Christ. The desires to serve God in missions – watching you practice mime…our favorite song….”is your name in the Book…” (I’ve forgotten the movements again)….endlessly begging you to sing with me –you knew you had the voice!  Watching you jokingly argue with Amanda, laughing as you both fell to the floor turning it into a wrestling match, calling me to help you.  Dad taking you out to buy your first car, teaching you bass guitar, making sure you had what you needed, always. Watching you with him, hugging, talking, sometimes crying, but often laughing.

Truly there is an endless list and it brings me great joy to know that although our time together on earth is finished, we have an eternity with the Lord Jesus Christ to giggle and paint nails and best of all to dance on His altar at His feet.  We can be together without the pain, without the tears!  You are our porcelain doll and we have hated every moment without you.Dad and I are on the Laguna Beach, just days after your funeral.  I am hysterical with grief, pounding the sand in my anger and frustration, questioning how something so unspeakable could have happened to us.  There is no comfort or peace as the detective’s words replay over and over…”Jessica was in an automobile accident and she didn’t make it”.  Remembering how I ran into your room, begging God…..this could not be so, falling to the floor in total unbelief, and knowing there was absolutely nothing I could do to change it.  And in a moment, remembering every prayer, every tear and the knowledge that your passing was not a surprise – I knew.  Of all the things we fixed for you as parents, this would not be one of them.  Sometimes in my sleep I think I  hear you screaming as your car flips coming apart, tossing your precious body out into the desert.  I cannot bear the thought of my baby out in the cold wind, dying alone in the dirt. 

Later in the unfamiliar hotel room that is too dark, too enclosed  I can’t decide if  I should  start screaming or just choke myself.   I hear the waves crashing on the Laguna shore, so familiar, like a lullaby rocking me to sleep on so many other nights and even some sunny afternoons during happier days.  On this night there is no lullaby.  The sounds of the ocean bring more pain, more emptiness. Nothing will ever be the same, feel the same, taste the same because you are not here.  I swear to cry for you every day of my life. I swear to hate the rest of my life. 

In the darkness of the room somewhere between sleeping and dreaming I  see my own face before me.  I wonder why I would be looking at myself.  There, in the darkness begin swirls of light and color – all colors, especially pastels of blues, lavenders and pinks.  The light gently touches the top of my head, and is gone., but leaves a sense of comfort.  I am intrigued  as again I see the light touching my face, giving a deeper sense of peace. The touch moves away just as another  comes, establishing a brilliant pattern of bright light and  color.  This sense of touch, sense of peace never leaves me.

The pastels are radiant swirling in and around each other like mists  blown by a gentle  breeze.   They increase in brilliance and swim together as part of the pure white light.  I know there is a Presence of Holiness in the colors and  begin to see  small hands there.  Then I recognize that the hands are the lights and colors.  In a glimpse, I see feathers of white light, touching, caressing one side of my face.  Each touch  brings its own measure of peace  flowing downward, filling me, transcending inward where I am broken, lifting the horror, the grief.  A healing? 

Then I see two hands, one on each side of my face.  The hands are large and strong, much more brilliant than the smaller ones. I am so calm that nothing seems to matter now.  I feel as though I am floating, the weight of this burden gone and I would be content to float here forever.  Then my  face begins to fade and I see your face, my Jessica, my daughter.  It is your face that is being held between these two brilliant hands. Your face  was between the hands of the Most High God as He held you during your last few moments here on earth.  In His mercy and kindness the Creator  of all Life took the time to assure me that you were not left to die alone in the cold desert field.

Psalm 71:20-22

You who have shown me great and severe troubles shall revive me again,

And bring me up from the depths of the earth. 

 

You shall increase my greatness 

And comfort me on every side.

 

Also with the lute I will praise you

And Your faithfulness,

 

O my God!

To You I will sing with the harp,           

O Holy One of Israel